Last Day, Full Heart

This morning, after snapping my clerical collar into place and pulling on my Canterbury t-shirt, I put on my CNU Episcopal Chaplain name tag for the last time.  Above it I attached my small “Safe Zone” pin.  Turns out the weather was cool and rainy enough that I also wore my blue and white CNU sweatshirt on top of everything. 

My last day at the prayer station.  It was hard to wrap my brain around it this morning, and now that it’s over, I’m still in disbelief. 

When I arrived today, I took one load of stuff to the Plaza.  I was pleased that it was dry enough to set up outside.  After running inside to order a chicken flatbread sandwich for lunch, since I hadn’t brought anything with me, I went to the chapel to get my sign.  Before I even got the chairs out of their bags, the raindrops began plopping onto the sign, threatening to smear the ink.  I checked my Weather Channel app and saw a big blob of green, yellow, and red approaching the blue dot that indicated my location. Scary looking blob.  Promising more than a few drops of rain.

Time to move inside.

I was disappointed to be inside on the last day, but I was glad that I made that decision because a few minutes later I saw students running into the building, soaking wet.  Umbrellas and hoods went up as students headed out into the downpour.  After picking up my sandwich, I began setting up the chairs in the DSU rotunda, when a senior walked in and greeted me.   

“How are your exams going?” I asked him. 

“I just finished college,” he answered.  He had just emerged from his last final.

I held my hand up, and he gave me an exuberant high five.  The look on his face was priceless.  Joy, wonder, disbelief, shock, amazement.  He told me that last night he had felt a flood of feelings and that it would all take a long time to process.  I bet.  He asked what was going on with me, and when I told him about my new position, he said, “You’re in transition too.”

Yes.  Yes, I am.  I guess I feel a little like he does today – lots of feelings.

My Canterbury students surprised me with a gift at lunch – a book they had made of pictures and notes they had written, including one from our student who is studying abroad.  Some were handwritten; some were typed.  They included our scripture, John 8:32.  At first I thought it was a little writing notebook, but when I opened it I saw what they had done and tears formed behind my eyes.  I couldn’t read it right then because I knew I'd be too emotional, but later in the afternoon I read through each note and smiled with wet eyes as I read their kind and loving words.  It was the best gift they could have given me and will be a book I treasure.  I found myself holding it close and finally put it in my bag.  The student who gave it to me said that they had all pitched in.  My heart was so full - gratitude, humility, sadness, joy, surprise, love.  I know they aren't really my students - they are their own wonderful, individual selves, but I can't help thinking of them as my students, and they will always have a special place in my heart.

At about 1:45 it was time to pack up the prayer station and unload the exam snacks.  St. Stephen's senior warden came by and blessed me by helping me unload and set up.  He also took some pictures and helped with the exam snack table.  I was so grateful for his help.  As always we provided a smorgasbord of options ranging from fruit to Capri-suns to chips to candy, with an especially heavy emphasis on the candy that had been leftover from the Easter egg hunt.  Capri-suns were the first to go.  One of the Canterbury students hung out for about an hour helping us out.  Another came by to pick up a new t-shirt that I had just received from the printer this morning.  A third came by and helpfully filled a bag full of candy for her suite-mates just when we were ready to pack up and assisted us in loading the car.  Hugging each student good-bye was hard, but I am so grateful that I've gotten to have this time with them. 

Leaving CNU early tonight felt strange.  I'm not sure I quite believe it's over.  I will preach and celebrate at St. Stephen's on Sunday at a combined service in my honor and begin another round of good-byes, but today was it for my time on campus.  Like the seniors, I am graduating, and there is a whole heap of feelings.  Though I have a sermon to write and many other things on my list to do, I have been at odds tonight, not quite ready to let go.  New good things are coming, not the least of which is a trip to Denver to see my brother and his family, but for tonight, I'm trying to be with my feelings.  It's okay to be sad.  It's okay to miss them.  It's okay to need time to process.  Both for them and for me. 

Saying Good-bye Part 2

It's hard to say good-bye.  And not only to trees.

Today I start saying good-bye to CNU.

Monday night we had dinner at Father Scott's - the last time I will be part of it.  Tonight will be my last official meeting for Episcopal Campus Ministry at CNU.  This afternoon I'm bringing the labyrinth to the Plaza for its final appearance.  Next Thursday students will be finishing up exams, and I will sit and pray one more time at the Plaza Prayer Station and then hand out some exam snacks.  The first of May will be my last official Sunday at St. Stephen's, though I will be there once more briefly to fill in when Scott is away on the Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend.  Lots of lasts.

I will not miss the commute down I-64 under construction, and I will not miss watching the trees being destroyed.  I will not miss the wind trying to knock me down as I carry my sign across campus or the freezing cold temperatures as I huddle in the DSU in winter.

I will miss the students, the prayer station, the beautiful CNU campus, the quiet prayers and in depth conversations, the chocolate croissants at Einstein's, ECM meetings in the chapel, sharing the labyrinth, the Farmer's Market, blessing the semester, the staff members I've come to know, weekly visits to the OSA office, Sunday mornings with the good people of St. Stephen's, the dinners at Father Scott's, the check-ins with the Canterbury Club, highs and lows, the afternoons praying and talking and being present.  And did I mention the students?  Canterbury students, Thrive students, Cru, UCM, and Lutheran students.  Students on the Diversity Council, students in the arts, student athletes, student leaders, students who I only met for 5 minutes, and students who I got to know quite well.  So many amazing students whom I will miss.

When the seniors graduate from CNU this year, so do I.  I have accepted a position as the Associate Rector for Outreach and Women's Ministries at Bruton Parish Church.  It will be a wonderful opportunity for me to expand recovery ministry and meet a whole new church full of amazing people of God and integrate my SpiritWorks ministry with parish ministry.  It will also be very cool to serve in the church where I was ordained a deacon.  I'm excited.

But first it's time to say good-bye.  Am I starting to sound like Emily in Our Town?  "Good-bye Grover's Corners..."  (Once a theatre major, always a theatre major!)

Good transitions are bittersweet.  In order to say hello to the new thing, we have to say good-bye to what we are leaving behind.  The seniors will be saying good-bye to CNU as they prepare for the new phase of their journey.  Please keep all of us in your prayers as we make this transition.

Although it's hard to say good-bye, the difficulty shows the importance of the relationships.  Thank you, God, for this time at CNU and St. Stephen's, and for all the beautiful people you have brought into my life.  Bless us and keep us until we meet again.

In the Shadow of the Topiary

On Thursday I sat in the shadow of the topiary.  One of the students who comes by and frequently comments on the weather said, "It's not cold.  It's not rainy."  I responded, "And I'm sitting in the shadow of the topiary, so it's not too hot!"  After I said it, we laughed, and I joked, "Sounds like a book title, doesn't it?"  Maybe, if I write a book about my experiences at the prayer station, I'll use that title.  On warm days, the Plaza bakes in the sun, and though Thursday wasn't as warm as it will be when the students return in August, I still got a little sweaty.  I had discovered back in the fall that the topiary gives off just enough shade to keep from getting too much sun on my face and to provide a bit of coolness.  It was a lovely day for sitting outside - breezy but not the 40 mph gusts that had been predicted.  Last weekend I had gotten a new chair because the sack for the old one had ripped and made it difficult to carry.  The new one is electric blue, and I was eager for someone to try it out.

It's spring break for many high schools, and Thursday was clearly a big admissions day.  I watched group after group passing through the Plaza, touring the campus.  Blessings on their college decisions - I wonder how many of them will start in the fall.  Or perhaps these are juniors, visiting colleges so that they'll know where they want to apply next year.  CNU is so shiny and new; I would think it would be popular, though I understand there's a big debate going on about campus housing.  CNU students are required to live in on campus for their first three years, and not everyone is able to get the housing that they want or feel that they were promised.  So far the Canterbury students seem pleased with their housing for next year.

The work load is increasing as the final month of school starts.  Students are stressed, but they're delighted with the warmer weather.  All over the lawns I see them scattered with their books as they try to attend to their studies and enjoy some time outside.  For those of you who know me, you know that cherry trees are a particular favorite of mine.  Because peak bloom occurred over Holy Week and Easter this year in Washington D.C., I wasn't able to get up to the cherry blossom festival.  But for some reason, our trees are behind the DC trees this year, and they have peaked a week later.  Cherries abound on the CNU campus and lining the streets that lead into it.  Puffy white blossoms called me to them on the lawns of one of the residence halls.  I drew a branch down to my nose and breathed in their sweet fragrance.  One student sprawled on the green carpet of grass under the canopy of snowy branches.  I would probably have chosen the same spot.

There were some prayer requests Thursday and one request for help getting service hours.  The Presidential Leadership Program at CNU requires many hours of community service, and sometimes it can be hard to find places to get enough hours.  I was delighted to be able to connect a student with the St. Paul's Saturday lunch ministry that we've helped with before.  The student who first spoke to me at the prayer station is graduating this year.  He's also getting married in a month and has his senior recital for his music major next week.  He stopped by to check in and chat about a Dag Hammarskjold book he's reading.  It was great to reconnect with him and to wish him well on his exciting future.

Change is coming.  Winter rolls into spring as the baby leaves unfurl on the trees and bulbs burst into brilliant colors.  A yellow dusting of pollen coats my sign and shoes and probably the inside of my lungs after sitting outside for a few hours.  Seniors are getting ready to graduate and pack up and move out.  Underclassmen are trying to register and get the classes they need.  Student leadership is changing over as the older students turn their attention outward.  Everyone is busy as they pass through the Plaza on their way to classes, meetings, meals, studies, naps.  These are the days of the CNU lives as we sit in the shadow of the topiary...

Maundy Thursday

Maundy Thursday was a full day.  I arrived at St. Stephen's for my weekly check-in, only to be greeted at my car by my rector, Scott, telling me not to come in to the building.  A sewage back-up in the basement of the parish hall, had made the building, including offices, uninhabitable.  Plumbers and water company people were on the scene, but there was no point in me spending time inside.  So I headed over to CNU and spent a little time in the campus coffee shop before setting up the prayer station.  It was a beautiful day but very windy.  The prayer station was quiet; students passing by were in a hurry to get to where they were going.  There was also an event on the other side of the student union from where I was sitting.  Pie the president.  I sneaked over after hearing loud cheers and saw students flinging pies at the faces of sorority and fraternity presidents.  I have witnessed this event before.  I think you pay a certain amount of money to have the honor of throwing the whipped cream pies.  I worried about one student passing by later in the afternoon until I realized that the white dripping down his face was from pie, not a wound. 

For Maundy Thursday I had planned a labyrinth walk.  I brought the SpiritWorks labyrinth, and a friend dropped by to help me set it up.  The wind made it a struggle.  Gusts ripped the canvas labyrinth out of our hands and almost blew it across the plaza.  I tried putting books down on the edges, but the wind tossed them in the air and blew the labyrinth back on top of itself. 
I got more and more frustrated, thinking that we wouldn't be able to set it up.  On my way inside for a pit stop, I noticed a pile of stones off to the side of the walkway.  I picked a couple up and set them on the edge of the canvas.  It was hard to know where to put them because the wind blew against any section not held down.  I left my friend standing on the labyrinth while I collected more rocks.  As I walked to the rock pit, I said, "Really, God, is this necessary?  Can't you do something about this wind?"  The answer I got back was, "I helped you find this pile of rocks."  Touché, God.  I smiled sheepishly.  The rocks were, indeed, a Godsend.  Once I had collected enough of them, they were able to hold the labyrinth in place for the most part.  Several people commented that the rocks gave it a monastic feel.  They thought it was an intentional aesthetic choice.

My first visitors were staff members from the Center for Academic Success.  They enjoyed walking the labyrinth and said they would recommend it to their students.  I explained how walking it can reduce stress.  They had seen my advertisement in the campus announcements.  Another staff person brought a couple of students out to walk it as well.  A number of students came and asked questions about it or thanked me for having it there, but they said they didn't have time to walk it.  A couple of students evidently thought it was a maze, as they stood nearby and used their eyes to traverse the path - when there were no dead ends or choices, they rolled their eyes and moved along.  Maybe they were looking for a challenge, not a clear path to the center.

Some of my favorite comments were the students who passed by and saw the "Happy Maundy Thursday" on the bottom of the sign.  "Maundy?" I heard them saying to one another.  "What's a Maundy?"  I saw a campus minister from another group explain it to one of his students.  When the Catholic Campus Ministry passed by on their way from Mass, they wished me a blessed Holy Week.  Nice to hear it.  The best, though, was when a small group of girls passed between me and the labyrinth.  "I think you're supposed to walk it slowly and take deep breaths or something," one of them said.  Another one replied, "We don't have time for that."  I laughed out loud, but they didn't have time to notice that either.  On their way they went.

When it came time to pack up, I texted one of the Canterbury students, and he came over to help me.  I knew I couldn't do it by myself in the wind.  Turns out, four other students saw us struggling to fold it up, and they ran over to help as well.  I have to say that the students on this campus are very gracious with their help.

The agapé meal at St. Stephen's had to be canceled, so we moved the whole service into the church.  I preached, we washed feet, we celebrated the Eucharist, and stripped and censed the altar.  It is one of my favorite services.  I love that the congregation gets to participate, if they so desire, and at least one person said that my sermon caused him to take part in the foot washing, which he had never done before.  It is a holy thing, that foot washing.  The person who washed my feet started saying, "This little piggy..." as she dried my toes.  It is sweet and humbling and funny and tender, all at the same time.  What a glorious privilege to be able to share an act so intimate.  I was grateful for a full day of meaningful ministry with students and parishioners and fellow human beings. 

Plaza Full of People

On Thursday the Plaza was packed.  After many Thursdays of sitting in the rotunda of the DSU, shivering in the cold, I have finally been able to return to the Plaza the past two weeks.  This Thursday was the perfect day for sitting outside to pray.  Clear and dry, 73 degrees, gauzy white con trail lines crisscrossed the deep blue sky, while a gentle breeze with only hint of pollen in it kept the temperature comfortable.  Many things converged on the Plaza at lunch that day.  Of course I was there with the prayer station, and I was dressed in a green fleece for St. Patrick's Day.  It was also CNU day.  Last year they had CNU day during Spring Break, a choice I didn't understand.  I remember wearing my CNU sweatshirt to SpiritWorks and wondering why you'd choose a day when the students weren't around.  This year they chose St. Patrick's Day and made special green CNU shirts.  One student commented that it seemed like a good idea to combine the two but that they were just too far apart.  He had decided to commemorate neither, choosing to celebrate the weather instead, with an Oxford button down and shorts.

In honor of CNU day, there was a flash party on the Great Lawn during lunch.  Music blasted from
speakers, while crowds of students dressed in either green or CNU blue gathered around the on the lawn.  I was told that it was a dance party, but I did not detect much dancing going on.  The only song I recognized was the "Cupid Shuffle," that we had learned to dance to at SpiritWorks a couple of years ago.  No, I did not get up to dance.  I held onto my dignity by maintaining that my presence at the prayer station was more needed than any unfortunate dance moves I might make.  Watching this clergy person "break it down" might have brought some amusement but probably only embarrassment on my behalf.  The dance party ended with a huge group photo on the steps of Christopher Newport Hall, the new administration building.  I wish I had made it over to capture the picture, but at the time I was enjoying good conversation with students who were choosing not to participate.

In addition to CNU day and St. Patrick's Day, it was also the beginning of Greek week.  I had been watching members of sororities and fraternities carrying out life-sized wood carvings of their Greek letters and setting them up in the Plaza.  I tucked the prayer station even closer to one of the gigantic topiary pots so that I wouldn't be in the way of the great Greek assembly.  After the group photo, the crowd of students migrated to the Plaza to start Greek week with a friendly competition.

As an observer I always have to piece these rituals together and try to figure out what's going on.  It looked like the Greeks were organized into teams:  Team 1, Team 2, Blue Team, Green Team, etc.  The first event was some sort of chant/cheer competition.  Because I was sitting and they were standing I couldn't see everything that was going on, but I could hear the cheers.  It looked like most of the students were reading their cheers from their phones, and some of them were hard to hear.  To my left was the green team.  As far as I could tell they were the loudest, and the most energetic, dancing to their chant and jumping up and down.  More of them seemed to know the words of their chant.  I decided that I would vote for them.  (Not that anyone asked me.)  I found out later that they won that portion of the contest.

Next came an event that I didn't understand.  From my vantage point it looked like a few students were gathered in the middle of the circle and that they had small boxes tied around their waist, positioned on their butts.  I thought the object was to dance until the box fell off, but when I asked a student later, he told me it was called, Minute to Win It.  The boxes were tissue boxes filled with ping pong balls, and the goal was to shake all the ping pong balls out of the box.  I couldn't determine who won that one, but it sure looked like they were having fun.

Surprisingly enough, even in the midst of all the chaos, I still had some good conversations and prayer time with students.  Last week had been quiet at the prayer station - I think they had to get used to me being out there again.  I know a lot of seniors this year, and I'm excited to hear about their plans for the future.  They're winding down, trying to stay present where they are and especially enjoy the good company of their community while also looking ahead to what comes next.  Not a bad place to be.

Spring Break Musings - Seek Joy, not Comfort

It's spring break for CNU, so I did not go to the prayer station this week.  The prior two weeks were so busy that I've had little time for writing blog posts.  Both Thursdays were bitterly cold and windy, as I sat inside the DSU rotunda gazing out the windows onto the Plaza and longing for spring.  One of the days I shared the rotunda with other groups so I was positioned to look through the glass doors to the magnolia just beyond the Plaza.  With blue sky in the background, and sun lighting up the evergreen leaves, I could imagine that it was warm outside.  It was only an illusion, though, as I huddled under my soft knitted prayer shawl and felt the wind's cold breath each time the door's stayed open.  On one of the days a student stood and held the door open for what seemed like 10 minutes, until every last person in sight had gone in or out.  I have to admit to thinking unkind thoughts of her as I shivered and my ears turned ice cold.

On that same chilly Thursday, I had a great conversation with a student.  He told me that he was learning that experiencing joy did not necessarily mean being comfortable.  Such wisdom for someone so young.  Joy and comfort are not at all the same thing, are they?

When I was in seminary I did my field work at St. Elisabeth's in Glencoe, IL.  My supervising priest, Daphne, used "seekjoy" as the first part of her email address.  I used to smile as I typed her address into the "To" portion of an email.  What a great reminder - seek joy.  I wonder if part of the challenge of our society is that we're seeking comfort and not joy.  I don't mean the comfort that we seek when we're grieving or struggling and we long for God's peace or a kind word from our loved ones.  I mean the comfort of ease, the comfort of complacency, the comfort of numbing ourselves so that we don't have to witness the pain of others or feel our own pain.

The student I spoke with was realizing that doing God's work brings joy but often takes us to places of discomfort or calls us out of our comfort zones.  Yes, oh yes.  And at the same time it's so easy to slip back into the comfort and ignore the call.  Sometimes it means standing up and speaking out, especially against injustice.  Sometimes it means sitting down and listening, especially to voices that don't share our privilege.  It means sitting with our own discomfort when we're told we don't know everything and we can't fix everything.  I find it so hard to sit in the in between, to listen when I want to act, to stand up when it's going to cost, and yet, there is joy to be found in all those occasions.

There's is probably much more to be said on this topic, but I hear my taxes crying out to be finished.  I hope that the student I spoke with will continue to seek joy and not stay comfortable.  I hope I will too.

The Stories Behind the Numbers

A few weeks ago Jan Brown asked me how many people pass by the prayer station each week.  I had no idea.  A bunch.  She suggested I might check with the dining hall and ask them.  So this past Thursday, I went to the counter at Regatta's toward the end of the prayer station time and asked the man who was swiping dining cards if he could tell me approximately how many students eat lunch there on a Thursday.  "1300-1900," he said instantly.  He told me that Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays were the biggest days for lunch and that there were often theme meals on Thursday which boosted attendance. I said, "So I could reasonably say that there are about 1500 each week."  He looked down at the computer in front of him and said, "Right now we're at 1510."  He said they might get a couple more hundred before they closed to get ready for the evening theme meal.  When checking in with highs and lows at ECM that night, several students reported their high was the Valentine's-themed dinner which included steak wrapped with bacon, endless crab legs, and a chocolate fountain.

About 1500 people pass by the prayer station each week.  Wow.  You see, I'm not much of a numbers person.  One of the first questions my mother always asked when I came home from an event was, "How many people were there?"  If it was more than 10, I couldn't answer.  "I don't know," I would say.  My mother would demand, "Well guess.  More than 50?" Most of the time I was stumped.  I could tell her about the people I talked to and what went on at the event and whether I had a good time, but when I started to try to count up the people, I would get confused.  No matter how many times this happened, I couldn't remember to do a head count while I was at the event.  Even when I did, I would start counting and get to about 20 before losing track and having to start over.  There's a good reason why I don't work at a bank! 

What does interest me about numbers is not the numbers themselves but the stories the numbers tell. 

So, approximately 1500 students pass by the Prayer Station on a Thursday during lunch.  I probably make eye/smile contact with at least 50-100 of them, and I would guess that many more notice me and the sign.  (When I meet students they frequently say, "I've seen you on campus but I haven't come to talk with you yet.)  Certainly many walk by completely absorbed in thoughts or conversations and don't seem to see me or the sign, much less make contact.  A few are on their phones but I've been surprised that it hasn't been more.  Probably 20-30 students/staff/faculty have a more meaningful contact with the station or me on a given day.  Meaningful contact would include a short conversation, a hug, a prayer, a shared lunch or hot chocolate.  About 6-8 people per week have an even deeper encounter where they share something personal and vulnerable, where the discussion goes on longer than a quick check-in, where we make a strong connection through prayer or conversation. 

On Thursday a friend from the SpiritWorks community surprised me by stopping by and bringing hot chocolate.  I was bundled up in three layers of clothes, two pairs of socks, coat, scarf, prayer shawl and gloves, trying to endure the blasts of cold air that swooped in each time the doors opened to the Plaza.  It was the day after Ash Wednesday.  I was so happy for that hot drink that I completely forgot that one of my Lenten disciplines was giving up chocolate.  I downed half of it before I remembered.  My young friend and I shared a prayer and conversation, and my heart warmed from the contact just as my body warmed from sipping the hot drink.  Such a treat! 

On Thursday one of the students I had met from Thrive also stopped by.  She is becoming a regular, one with whom I have a deeper connection.  This time she asked me how she could pray for me.  So I told her I was seeking clarity and asked her to pray that those who need the prayer station would find it.  She said a lovely prayer before heading off to meet someone for lunch.  One of the ECM students came by to tell me he had attended an Ash Wednesday service for the first time in a long while, and another member of ECM checked in and talked about upcoming tests. 

On Wednesday I had received an email from one of the new students to ECM this semester asking if she could still help out with the food pantry.  She met me at the prayer station, helped me carry the sign to my car, and spent the next two hours helping St. Stephen's with the Hidenwood Elementary Food Pantry, a collaboration with Hidenwood Presbyterian Church and the Food Bank.  We got to know each other better and felt blessed to be able to give food to people who needed it.  But you know, I forgot to ask how many people we fed or how many volunteers we had.  More than 10 on both counts, but I lost track after that.

Our world is a world where numbers matter.  You have to have the numbers on your side to win the elections.  You have to have sufficient numbers to get the grants or loans.  In the nonprofit world, you have to be able to prove how many you've served if you want to get paid to keep on serving.  That's why people sign in at SpiritWorks.  I get it.  The people investing need to know that they're making a wise investment.  As a collector of stories, though, I can't help wondering what it is we're counting.  People who came in the door or received a service.  Bodies that showed up.  We can spin the numbers in many ways, but what do they really mean?  How do we measure how many had their lives changed or had a meaningful experience?  How do we measure the plants that grow from seeds scattered widely? 

For those who have gotten to know me and the prayer station, the ministry has become a touchstone - a way for them to check in, make a connection, be reminded of God and prayer as they make their way from class to lunch.  What I wonder is whether it has also become a touchstone for many of those 1500 passing by even if they don't stop.  Maybe they see it and it reminds them that someone from the church is praying for them.  Maybe they see it and it makes them think.  Maybe they see it and say a prayer themselves.  I have no way to count how many have received something from the prayer station.  But when my mom asks, I can tell her that it's more than 10.

Small Humans, Big Difference

When I was in college at Sewanee I often got stressed out over tests and papers and plays.  Adding the angst of relationships, sorority drama, and the general difficulties of being a young adult, I could get quite overwhelmed.  One of my strategies for dealing with the stress was to walk out to the dairy.  It sat on a hill near a couple of trees, and at that time there were no lights around it at all.  I would stand in the road listening to the snuffling of the horses in the field nearby and stare up at the sky.  So. Many. Stars.  I could see the Milky Way clearly and pick out the stars and planets I had learned to name in my Astronomy class.  I have heard people say that when they look up at the vast expanse of space they feel insignificant and disoriented.  That's what I loved about it.  Feeling insignificant.  I would remind myself that I was one small human on one small world in one small galaxy in the whole universe, and suddenly whatever I was worried about just didn't seem quite as overwhelming.  I would spin around in circles while looking at the stars until I got dizzy and fell down laughing.  It was almost as if the spinning shook up my brain and reorganized it so that worry was no longer at the forefront.  Recognizing my insignificance has always been good for my ego and my compulsive worrying.  I'm just not that important in the scheme of the universe.  And that's okay. 

On the other hand, sometimes we can get to feeling so insignificant and powerless to have any affect on the principalities and powers and systems of the world that we can lose hope and give up trying to make a change.  On those days we may need a sign that even as insignificant as one individual is, our presence on the planet makes ripples that extend far beyond the tiny ponds we inhabit.

Today I sat inside the rotunda of the student union at the prayer station.  At one point I got up to take a picture from across the floor.  The sign and chairs looked so small in the rotunda area.  A little spot of peace and comfort on the edge of a room on the first floor of a building in the middle of a campus.  What difference could it possibly make?  And yet it has.  I get credit for showing up.  But God gets credit for making a difference.  Several new people walked by the station today, read the sign, paused, and then came back to ask for prayers.  Probably 50 people walked by and smiled or waved.  More walked by and read the sign and kept moving, but I could see something clicking inside their brains.  Regulars stopped by to check in and share a hug.  I even got to see the Humans of CNU guy again! 

There are many religious groups on this campus, most of them more extroverted and evangelical than we are.  One of them is called Thrive, started by a young friend of mine named Luke.  He has a vision of unity among Christians.  One of the main purposes of Thrive is to gather all the Christian campus ministries at CNU to worship together once a month.  Hundreds of students attend their events, and they have made a huge impact on the campus.  That's one way.  How I've connected with Thrive is through the prayer station.  Some of their leadership members come and sit and chat with me and ask for prayers.  Although I have been unable to attend a Thrive event so far, I have enjoyed my connection with these bold students who are on fire for the Gospel, and I'm looking forward to their event tomorrow night.  The prayer station is a much quieter expression of the Gospel than Thrive, but it has also had an impact on hundreds of students.  One by one.

How grateful I am for the body of Christ, infinite in its variety, each part with its own gifts, all contributing to the whole.  How grateful I am that we, merely human beings, can make a big difference with small acts.  How grateful I am that even a tiny prayer station can offer something that strengthens, encourages, and uplifts those who stop by.  God loves all God has created, small and large, in incredible diversity, each one of us and all that is around us.  Thanks be to God!

Free Stuff on a Cold Day

Brrr!  It's a high of 36 in Newport News today, and I knew it was too cold to sit outside.  But I have to say, at least there was sun outside.  I went to my usual indoor spot in the Student Union and tables were set up for other groups, so I sat inside the rotunda doors.  Each time the doors opened, frigid air blasted in, numbing my ears and feet and hands.  Fortunately a steady stream of students visited the prayer station, so the cold was much more easy to endure.  Though my location was unfortunate in terms of personal physical warmth, it was the perfect place for encountering students.  About 12:15 students get out of class and head for lunch.  I didn't realize that the line for lunch reaches to the doors of the rotunda, but there I sat with the lunch line filing right past me.  "Bless the lunch line.  Bless the lunch line."  I prayed blessings over the students as they waited for lunch.  Some spoke.  Many smiled.  Others were clearly focused on lunch.  If you feed them, they will come!  It was great to see so many young people walking by.

One of the ECM students brought his roommate and a new hallmate by the station.  Turns out the hallmate was raised Episcopalian and wants to start coming to church.  I love when the students evangelize.  She was wearing a light sweatshirt and no coat, shivering as we chatted, and we all commented that it might be good to wear a coat. She said that the sweatshirt was a gift from a boyfriend and a friend and that it smells like them.  I suggested she was receiving emotional warmth if not physical warmth from the shirt.  She said yes, that it was emotional comfort for her.  We all agreed maybe she could wear a heavier coat over the sweatshirt as a way to provide both for both physical and emotional needs.

The roommate is an ROTC student, and so I learned all about the officer training program and what is involved.  It was a really cool conversation.  I also learned that Cards Against Humanity ("adult Apples to Apples") can keep college students up until the wee hours of the morning and that as a priest I would not be invited to play what they described as an "irreverent, offensive" game.  I doubt it could be more irreverent or offensive than some games played when I was in college, but I wouldn't have wanted my priest around for those either.  ;)  They chatted for about half an hour before heading off to Spanish, English, and Economics classes.

Today was like old home day at the station.  I saw so many of the students who have come to talk or pray with me.  The Humans of CNU guy greeted me and said he was going to come back to chat when he has more time on another Thursday.  Another person invited me to come to CNU Tonight in a couple of weeks.  One girl in a sorority jersey stopped by to tell me she was glad I had moved inside, that she knew it was Thursday and had been worried I would be sitting out in the cold.  Another student stopped by and said he wasn't religious but that he's a religious studies major and he wanted to thank me for being there, that it was meaningful to him to see me sitting there even though he didn't have a prayer request.  Interested in the Abrahamic religions that he described as "beautiful," he wants to be a religious studies professor.  Two other students I know are graduating this semester and are planning to start their own clothing company together.  I learned today that they want to design men's blazers and coats and trousers.  They're so excited!  I told one of them that I would pray for the start of their business.

I shared the rotunda area with members from the student assembly.  They were passing out free cups and frisbees with information about student assembly.  I went up and asked what the free cups were for.  The student said, "You have to give them free stuff, and then they get interested."

You have to give them free stuff.  I reflected on whether I should be handing out something at the prayer station.  But in truth, they do get free stuff.  It might not be a cup or frisbee, but I hope what they receive gets them interested.  A listening ear, a prayer or blessing, a smile, eye contact, a wave.  I hope that, at least for a moment. they feel the warmth of being loved and that it comforts them on a cold day. 

New Semester

New year.  New semester.  Today was the first day of the Plaza Prayer Station for 2016.  I was delighted to be able to sit outside since it was 50 degrees and sunny.  A little chilly, so I needed my coat and scarf and a blanket for my lap, but I managed not to wear gloves.  Each new semester the students' schedules change, so a whole new batch of them are walking by me at my appointed time.  Clearly there were some who had never seen the station before.  My favorite was a young man who stopped and read the sign, said, "Hmm.." while scratching his chin, and then went on his way without looking at me.  I didn't get the feeling that he approved.  I chuckled to myself and said a prayer for him anyway.  Several students waved as they went by, and a few regulars checked in on their way to lunch.  For the first time, one of the students who came by for a prayer asked when ECM meets and then actually came to our meeting!  He's part of a different campus ministry but wanted to get to know his brothers and sisters and Christ from other traditions.  What a blessing to us, and I hope to him!

One of the Canterbury students, Sam, is studying abroad in Scotland this semester.  She usually stops by the prayer station, so I missed her presence today, but she is keeping a blog about her travels, so I am able to follow where she is and what she's doing.  A very cool thing to be able to view Scotland through her eyes. 

After the prayer station, I went over to a local elementary school to help St. Stephen's with a new
food pantry project.  Local churches are working together with the food bank to offer food, including fresh produce, to families of students at the school.  Each family received a grocery cart full of food, including fresh pineapple, pears, potatoes, onions, greens, and sweet potatoes.  There was also meat, canned goods, juice, and cereal.  My job was to walk with a family around the room "shopping" for food and then to go with them to help load up their car and then return the grocery cart so the next family could shop.  The first lady I helped asked me if I would take a tip.  I told her no I wouldn't, that my gift was that I got to meet her.  She gave me a big hug.  She works at the school and said she had never needed to do this before.  We had so much extra food at the end that we were able to offer it to teachers at the school as well, and several of them took food to their rooms to be able to give out to their students.  We're going to be doing this once a month so I'm hoping some of the CNU students will join me.

Helping with the food pantry project and sitting at the prayer station today made me think about feeding people.  How many stories do we read about food in the Bible?  Jesus was all the time feeding people, both with food for their bellies and spiritual food.  What a blessing it is to be able to participate with him in that work.  There are a lot of hungry people in the world.  I know we need to address the issue of how they have come to be hungry in the first place, both physically and spiritually, but in the meantime, it feels good to be helping to provide the sustenance.  May God continue to bless these ministries and to bring the people to us who need them.

How Do You See God?

On my way to Newport News this morning I saw a sign saying there were wind restrictions on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel.  Not a problem for me since I wasn't going that far, but it was an indication of weather conditions in the area.  50 degrees with 15-20 mile an hour winds makes for very chilly outdoor sitting.  Brrr...  When I first arrived at CNU I considered sitting inside, but I ran into one of the staff who booed me when I said I thought it was too cold to be outside.  So I decided to give it a try.  I was bundled up in a base layer, clergy shirt and CNU sweatshirt with my down coat, scarf, gloves, and a prayer shawl for a lap blanket.  The blanket made all the difference in keeping my legs warm. 

Breathe in peace.  Breathe out love.  I started the new breathing exercise that my therapist has taught me.  Breathe in peace.  Breathe out love.  As I began praying for the campus, a young woman walked up to me with two beverages in her hand.  "Would you like a hot chocolate?" she said and held out one of the cups.  "Yes, I would," I told her.  "Thank you."  Gratefully I wrapped my gloved hands around the warm drink.  "I heard you say you were cold," she said as she headed off to class.  Wow.  These students are so thoughtful and generous.  I wonder if they are on all campuses, or if there's something special here at CNU.  I certainly wasn't that thoughtful when I was in college.

One of the Canterbury students brought her lunch out to eat with me, and we had a good conversation.  Tonight the group is having dinner together at Scott Baker's house.  When he's not busy priesting, he loves to cook.  I've heard rumors of tortellini soup and lasagna, and I made pumpkin and pecan pies.  It should be a fun evening, and 8 students are coming with me!  We're fortifying them for their exams next week.

One of the students from another campus ministry came over and brought me some more hot chocolate.  The CRU (Campus Crusade) students had a hot chocolate station in the Plaza today, while they were doing an evangelism experience.  My young friend invited me to go over so he could introduce me to the CRU team.  As people sipped hot chocolate, they were invited into conversation about some images that had been attached to a posterboard.  I understand that the images came from mysoularium.com.  The CRU students asked a series of questions about the images including:
Which three images would you choose to describe your life right now?
Which three images describe what you wish were in your life right now?
Which image would you choose to describe God?
and a few more. 
We had a fun time picking our images and saying why we had chosen them.  It was a great way to get conversation going, and I may use it with the Canterbury students or at SpiritWorks.  I talked for awhile with the student who asked me the questions and ended up saying a prayer with him, too.  He and his girlfriend want to be medical missionaries one day.  When I was in college I just wanted to get through exams!

Later on another student I know came up, clearly feeling the stress of the end of the semester.  He didn't have time to linger, so I offered him a hug.  Someone who I think is a professor rode by on a bicycle and asked for prayers for a person suffering with cancer.  For awhile I watched some men in a cherry-picker lift thingy putting up the big Christmas tree in the middle of the Great Lawn and fixing a giant star on the top - it will be lit Sunday night.  I had to keep shifting the station to stay in the sun but the shade rapidly overtook me, and finally I gave up and retreated to the campus coffee shop.  I had made it my full time, though, with a brief break inside for a pit stop and my usual visit to the OSA office.  The student aid there will be studying abroad in London next semester, so I was glad to get a chance to say good-bye to her and offer blessings for her next adventure. 

It may have been chilly and windy at the prayer station today, but the warmth of the students more than made up for it.  Whatever else it may be, Advent is the Season of Hope.  Spending time with the CNU students fills me with hope.

Acapella Thursday

Too much rain today - I had to move inside.  My usual indoor spot in the David Student Union was taken by a Christmas tree in the process of being decorated, so I shared the rotunda area with the ROTC recruiters.  It was a fun lunch because we were treated to a performance by the acapella group University Sounds.  I didn't even know that acapella groups were a thing until I saw the movie, Pitch Perfect, a few years ago.  There are at least 6 groups here at CNU.  One of the Canterbury students brought her lunch and sat in my extra chair, and I decided to pull out my lunch while she was eating hers.  We had barely started munching when the USounds began their three song set.  We had front row seats.  Students lined the walls of the rotunda to listen to the impromptu concert.  The group announced that they have a CD coming out in February.  I love being in a place where at any moment I can hear spontaneous singing!  If I'd been outside, I would have missed it.  At one point today I had four Canterbury students surrounding the prayer station as we listened to the mini-concert.  It felt like I was in the cool place.

My extra chair was full most of the time I was at the prayer station.  Several lengthy conversations
and a few prayer requests.  It's such a privilege to be a companion to students as they grow deeper in their relationships with God. It's getting to that time in the semester when tests, papers, and presentations are piling up.  Stress is building and sleep is hard to come by.  I pray for peace and endurance and patience and strength.  I pray for God to remove fears and give wisdom.  I pray for good humor.  Most of all I pray that students will remember that they are God's beloved children no matter how the grades turn out. 

Last week I didn't get to come to CNU because I was driving to Knoxville on my way to Sewanee for the 25th reunion of the class ahead of mine.  It was such a joy to get to see dear old friends and to join with them in a singalong 25th anniversary celebration of our production of Godspell.  CNU isn't the only place where singing breaks out spontaneously!  Because I went on the trip, I missed being here last Thursday, and it felt like I had been gone a long time.  Tonight is our last regular Canterbury meeting before the end of the semester.  Next Thursday is Thanksgiving, and the Thursday after that we will have dinner at Scott Baker's house.  He is a wonderful cook and treats the students to a home-cooked meal at the end of each semester.  Sustenance to get them through exams. 

So much gratitude for this ministry and the students whom God brings my way.  Especially in a time when most of the news is so disturbing - it's a blessing to spend time with all these young people.  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Humans of CNU

Photo by Chris Shea, Humans of CNU

Today, right as I got to the prayer station, a student came up and asked if he could sit down.  He wondered if I was familiar with Humans of New York and said that he was doing Humans of CNU and that he'd like to take a picture of me and talk to me.  I said sure.  He asked me about the prayer station and why I was doing it.  He asked me what I was passionate about and what my hobbies were.  We had a lovely conversation, and he permitted me to say a prayer before he took my picture and went on his way.  I was honored to meet him and to be the subject of one of his posts.  You can see what he posted here. 

The interview was the beginning of an afternoon of conversations and prayer requests - it might have been the most I've had in one day.  My extra chair was filled most of the time, and people would come up for prayers even while I was conversing with someone else.  One student sat and ate his lunch with me and talked about the worship ministry he helps lead on Wednesday nights.  We mused on how worshiping in a place week after week for years soaks it in prayer.  It can become almost tangible - like a monastic community.  The place where they do their Wednesday night worship is right where I sit for the prayer station.  Pretty cool how all these different ministry groups overlap.
 

 Another treat of the day was getting to watch a group of male students sing "My Girl" to a giggling, blushing female student and then present her with roses and a t-shirt.  I asked someone what was going on and learned that a fraternity will go with a member who wants to ask someone to go with him to a formal.  They all sing to her a way of asking her to go.  I had seen a similar ritual on other occasions but hadn't known what it meant.  It didn't seem formal enough to be a marriage proposal, but it also didn't seem random.  The singers today did a particularly good job. 

While I was sitting, one of the CNU employees who drives the golf carts/Gators to pick up trash, drove up behind me and walked over to hand me a sprig of bush with a perfect white blossom at the end.  I buried my nose in it and inhaled deeply - can't mistake that fragrance. 
"Do you know what it is?" she asked. 
"I do!" I said.  "It's a gardenia." 
I held it out to my lunch companion and he smelled it as well.  I thanked her, and she hopped back onto her vehicle and drove away.  I have no idea where she found a gardenia on Nov. 5, but I stuck it in my cup holder, and its scent wafted over the prayer station for the rest of the afternoon.

It was labyrinth day again, and I had feared we would be rained out.  A terrible accident with a fatality had blocked I-64 this morning, so it took me over a hour to get down to Newport News.  When I arrived, it was pouring rain.  By the time I set up the prayer station, the rain was mostly over, but I had to wait to see if the Plaza would dry enough to put the labyrinth down.  It did.  More people came to walk it, a couple of whom brought headphones and listened to music while they walked.  What a great idea. 

The young man who had asked me to pray for the people who had stolen his bicycle rode by and told me that a friend had decided to give him his bicycle, so he was back on wheels.  He thanked me for the prayers.  These students blow me away. 

I got to have a nice long chat with a Canterbury student about writing and other fun things and another Canterbury student also came by for a bit.  Today was a day of rich conversations about future plans and prayer and if it's really God's plan when bad things happen to us and how to be present to those whose loved ones have died.  I also got to join United Campus Ministry and the new Lutheran Ministry group for a short evening service in the chapel before meeting with the Episcopal Campus Ministry students.  At the ECM meeting we watched part of Bishop Curry's sermon from his installation and talked about Moses and Prince of Egypt.  It was a most excellent day.

Whenever I'm asked to measure this ministry, I have trouble quantifying it.  Thanks to you, my readers, for being witnesses to the stories that are at the heart of it.

Dudes being Dudes

Last Thursday most of the visitors to the Plaza Prayer Station were dudes.  Not skateboard dudes.  Just the regular kind.  I don't know why I'm surprised when the guys come by to talk.  One of them has stopped by on a number of occasions.  I asked him about a small group that he's part of.  He told me about their meetings - where they share what we at SpiritWorks call "highs and lows."  They call them "ups and downs" or "nopes and dopes."  I had never heard the latter term, and he had to explain that it means the same as highs and lows.  After their check-in, one of them shares something that he's been thinking about and the conversation goes from there.  I told him how wonderful I thought it was that this group of guys could sit around and have honest, open conversation with one another.  Do guys get to do that often?  He said, "It's great.  We're just dudes bein' dudes talkin' about dude stuff."  I laughed with delight.  Dudes bein' dudes.

The next dude who stopped by blew me away.  He told me that his bike had been stolen and asked me to pray for those who had taken it - that maybe they would have a change of heart and make different decisions in the future.  His words stopped me cold.  I just looked at him in shock, unable to speak, astonished at the maturity and wisdom of his request.  He looked back at me and gave a sheepish smile and said, "I know it's kind of cheesy." 

"No," I told him, dead serious.  "It's not cheesy.  It's powerful."  I told him that I would absolutely pray for those who had taken the bike, and I did.  I told him that I was glad he had stopped by and glad to have met him.  Sometimes God teaches us things so gently.  I'm sure I would have had a few choice words for someone who stole my bike - and they wouldn't have been words of prayer.  How grateful I am to that young adult for his understanding of Jesus' message - to pray for those who have hurt us. 

Another young man came by a bit later and said he didn't really have a prayer request but wondered if there was anything I'd like him to pray for at his prayer group meeting that night.  I asked him to pray that those who need the prayer station will find their way to it.  He said he could do that.  And then, as he lingered sitting in the chair next to me, I told him about my other job, working with people healing from addiction, and asked him to pray for those who are struggling with addiction.  He told me that was something near to his heart and that he would do it. 

When I had  arrived at the Prayer Station I was disappointed and grumpy, irritated with myself because I had gone to the ticket office to get our tailgate pass for the Homecoming game, only to find out that they had sold out.  It never even occurred to me that could happen.  Though I couldn't have known, I felt like I had let down both students and parishioners who were planning a fun Saturday afternoon.  It was hard for me to settle in to a posture of prayer.  Again I was grateful for the gift of the students who bless me at least as much I as bless them.  Thanks, God, for the dudes and dudettes, for the young men and women, for the staff and faculty and even guests to campus who stop by the prayer station. 

As I was getting ready to leave, President Trible (PTribs to the students) stopped by to say hello.  He thanked me for my presence on campus and asked me when I would be restarting my weekly Communion service.  He told me he would help me promote it.  Hopefully next semester.  But you know, in a way, the prayer station is its own form of communion, a sacrament by which those of us who come to it are fed and nourished.  The gifts of God for the people of God.  Thanks be to God!

Evening at CNU

Several people have commented about the quality of the light in a picture of the CNU clocktower I posted on Facebook Thursday night as I was walking around campus.  It was a beautiful night, cool, but not cold, the light from the setting sun illuminating various parts of campus.  This post is going to be more of a photo journal of my time.  I had decided to dine on a margherita pizza that I purchased from Hearth-Fire Pizza, a vendor at the CNU Farmer's Market.  Dessert was a Royale cookie from the Student Union - chocolate chips, coconut, macadamia nuts and more!  I called it the cookie with all the stuff until the lady who works at the register told me the official name.  Delicious! 

Shadow in front of doors on right is Violin Guy

After eating dinner and sitting in the Plaza for awhile, I heard a violin start to play.  I've heard it once or twice before.  Turns out a student practices on the front landing of the new Christopher Newport Hall.  Violin Guy is what some of my students call him.  (Apparently they also have Jurassic Park Guy who wears everything from Jurassic Park, Jedi Guy who wears a brown robe, and Matrix Man who dresses like a character in the Matrix.)  Listening to Violin Guy transported me back to late evenings in Sewanee, walking through the quad with friends, having spontaneous leaf fights, and being startled by the melancholy notes of a saxophone played by someone sitting on the Chapel side steps.  It was like having a soundtrack for the evening.

I bumped into a couple of students who were standing on the Great Lawn finishing off snow cones and soaking up the final rays of the sun.  They said they just had to get outside for a few minutes.  After chatting with them for a few minutes, I circumnavigated the Great Lawn a couple of times, getting in a few extra steps, stretching my legs, and savoring the sights and sounds of the CNU campus with the violin music in the background. Students walked and biked past me, and a few rode skateboards or scooters. I heard an "Eeek!" as one young woman almost ran into me. "Sorry ma'am," she said as she rolled by, teetering on a skateboard.  "I'm just learning."  I laughed and told her she was doing a great job.

The clocktower looked almost magical in the orange glow of the sun.  I passed young couples holding hands as they walked and an older couple who were using an out of date map to look for a fountain that has been moved.

I was surprised to notice a statue of St. Francis that I've never seen before.  Such an unusual representation.  Different from the old man in a monk's robe surrounded by animals in a garden.  Just past the statue of St. Francis, I might have seen a dawn redwood tree though I can't be sure. (By the way, scientific name of the dawn redwood:  Metasequoia glyptostroboides - one of the things I remember from my college Dendrology class.  Why is it that the less than useful information is what lingers in my brain while the more important things have disappeared as if they were never there?)  

I felt at peace as I strolled around the campus offering silent blessings as I went.  It really is a lovely campus, and it was a perfect evening to be out in it, just being.  Students seemed a bit more relaxed, having just returned from fall break.  One of the students who talks to me at the Prayer Station wheeled by on his bike and told me he had gotten engaged on Monday.  What a treat to be able to celebrate with him.  As I packed up my chairs and sign to get ready for the meeting with the Canterbury students, I noticed that most of the light had drained from the sky and a moon sliver hung over the campus buildings in the west.  Twinkle lights in the trees near the chapel gave it a holiday feel.  I walked around a little more, breathing in the night sounds and sights, watching the Big Dipper emerge, listening to the water in the chapel fountain, gazing at the play of light and shadow in the twilight.

What a delightful end to the day!