49! And Going Strong

Today is my 49th birthday.  It's been quite a week.  On Wednesday at the SpiritWorks Women's Group, we celebrated several birthdays, including mine, with coconut cake, cards and laughter.  I received a locket with a labyrinth on it that has quickly become a favorite.  Yesterday, on my birthday eve, as I like to call it, I walked into SpiritWorks and saw a box of Godiva chocolates awaiting me with a beautiful card signed by members of the SpiritWorks community.  Then, in the late afternoon, Lynn Smyth and Jan surprised me with a gathering of friends from SpiritWorks and Bruton.  What a delightful end to the work week.  Tomorrow I leave for a retreat at Valle Crucis in North Carolina, where I will spend the week in a hermitage: hiking in the mountains, writing, reading, resting, and best of all, hanging out with God.  This year I will be on the brink of a new decade of life as well as starting a new decade of ordained ministry.  Seems like a good time to be quiet and listen to God.

For awhile now I have been struggling with what I suppose to be peri-menopausal symptoms that mostly affect my mood.  Anxiety/agitation takes over my body, making me feel like I'm crawling out of my skin.  Depression/hopelessness drags me down, making everything seem difficult.  Fatigue saps my energy and causes me to feel like I'm struggling through molasses to get up in the morning and then frequently overtakes me during the day.  Some days I just put one foot in front of the other.  I've tried many things with varying degrees of success, but recently the fatigue and roller coaster emotions have really been tough.  Thursday I went to Acupuncture Works for my first session of acupuncture, at the recommendation of my therapist.  I hate needles, and I've been known to pass out when giving blood.  But I've been so miserable that I was willing to try anything.

They say acupuncture doesn't hurt, and it's true.  Mostly.  I did feel a little prick from a couple of the needles, but only briefly, and not enough to be upsetting.  With a lavender eye mask over my closed eyes, resting comfortably with pillows supporting my head and knees, I felt like I was floating.  I drifted into what I call "lala land," a place that is almost sleep, but not quite - a place that I imagine some people experience in meditation but I almost never do.  I floated there, head chatter fading after a few minutes, feeling a deep, peaceful rest.  When the session was over, I felt spacey.  That evening I was a little off, going through short spurts of moods, even while I was walking the labyrinth.

Then came what I consider a minor miracle.  Or maybe not so minor.  On Friday morning I woke up before my alarm and had energy!  I don't realize how poorly I'm feeling until I feel good again. And yesterday was truly remarkable.  I had energy all day.  Even with all the cake and other sweets that I ate!  All week I had felt like I was running on the last wisps of fumes of fuel in my tank.  Today I also woke up with energy.  I am so grateful.

I love birthdays.  I always have.  It's the one day we get to celebrate ourselves and how amazing it is that God put us here on this earth.  It's our own personal new year's day.  I've never been one to hide from or dread birthdays.  (There was some grief at 40 when I realized I was probably not going to have children, so that one was bittersweet.)  I embrace them.  I am 49, almost half a century.  Thanks be to God.  My birthday wish is that all of us find joy in each day and love each other well.  May we all know the love of the one who created us and spread that love with abandon.  And may we all wake up with energy and purpose, facing our challenges and blessings with grace and returning to sleep each night with gratitude in our hearts.

Spring Break Musings - Seek Joy, not Comfort

It's spring break for CNU, so I did not go to the prayer station this week.  The prior two weeks were so busy that I've had little time for writing blog posts.  Both Thursdays were bitterly cold and windy, as I sat inside the DSU rotunda gazing out the windows onto the Plaza and longing for spring.  One of the days I shared the rotunda with other groups so I was positioned to look through the glass doors to the magnolia just beyond the Plaza.  With blue sky in the background, and sun lighting up the evergreen leaves, I could imagine that it was warm outside.  It was only an illusion, though, as I huddled under my soft knitted prayer shawl and felt the wind's cold breath each time the door's stayed open.  On one of the days a student stood and held the door open for what seemed like 10 minutes, until every last person in sight had gone in or out.  I have to admit to thinking unkind thoughts of her as I shivered and my ears turned ice cold.

On that same chilly Thursday, I had a great conversation with a student.  He told me that he was learning that experiencing joy did not necessarily mean being comfortable.  Such wisdom for someone so young.  Joy and comfort are not at all the same thing, are they?

When I was in seminary I did my field work at St. Elisabeth's in Glencoe, IL.  My supervising priest, Daphne, used "seekjoy" as the first part of her email address.  I used to smile as I typed her address into the "To" portion of an email.  What a great reminder - seek joy.  I wonder if part of the challenge of our society is that we're seeking comfort and not joy.  I don't mean the comfort that we seek when we're grieving or struggling and we long for God's peace or a kind word from our loved ones.  I mean the comfort of ease, the comfort of complacency, the comfort of numbing ourselves so that we don't have to witness the pain of others or feel our own pain.

The student I spoke with was realizing that doing God's work brings joy but often takes us to places of discomfort or calls us out of our comfort zones.  Yes, oh yes.  And at the same time it's so easy to slip back into the comfort and ignore the call.  Sometimes it means standing up and speaking out, especially against injustice.  Sometimes it means sitting down and listening, especially to voices that don't share our privilege.  It means sitting with our own discomfort when we're told we don't know everything and we can't fix everything.  I find it so hard to sit in the in between, to listen when I want to act, to stand up when it's going to cost, and yet, there is joy to be found in all those occasions.

There's is probably much more to be said on this topic, but I hear my taxes crying out to be finished.  I hope that the student I spoke with will continue to seek joy and not stay comfortable.  I hope I will too.

Tree Stump Garden Update

Back in March I wrote in my post, Redeem, about the tree stump garden that I pass when I walk.  Well, last Saturday I was walking  the 2.7 mile loop and as I got closer to the tree stump, I saw two young men and an older woman standing near the stump.  It was the lady who tends the stump garden!  I was so excited finally to meet her.  I stopped, took off my head phones and asked, "Are you the one who plants these?"  She said yes and I said, "Thank you.  Whenever I pass them they bring me joy.  I've even written a blog post about them."  She was taken by surprise, not realizing the impact that her bit of gardening has had on passersby.  Clearly the two young men had also stopped to talk to her about the little garden. 

Sometimes I read the word "fangirl" on Facebook, and I guess I had a little fangirl moment.  I didn't think to ask for her name or to take her picture with the plants, but I was so grateful that I had finally had the opportunity to thank her for the seeds of joy that she has planted.  The week of Easter there were even little Easter eggs attached to the plants.  Each time I pass it there is something new, and it never fails to bring a smile to my face and a sense of delight to my day.  Yesterday I snapped a quick picture of the little garden thriving in the stump of the dead tree.  Is that resurrection or what?