Last Sunday I went back and watched my Easter Vigil sermon. (Video below.) Usually I don't watch recordings of my sermons. It's uncomfortable. But I did it for two reasons. One was that I've had trouble remembering we are still in the Easter season. Coronatide feels more like Lent. But I knew I'd felt Easter joy on the night we recorded the Vigil service, and I wanted to reconnect to that. And the second reason I wanted to watch was to check my memory. I remember having energy that night - could it be I was mistaken? When I rewatch the video, I do see a healthy looking person with lots of energy. It doesn't look like a person who would resume living life on a couch a mere two days later.
Turned out there was a third reason - I needed to hear my own sermon. I've often said that preachers are usually preaching to themselves and then hoping others need to hear the same message. That was definitely true for me.
This week marks my seventh since beginning to experience symptoms of COVID-19. I can still feel the virus in me - not in my chest anymore. I think it's in the lymphatic system. I feel it in my back below each shoulder. This past week I thought it had gone because the ache left for a few days, but Friday it returned along with a new wave of fatigue. I really hadn't been pushing - my doctor's office said I could start taking 5 minute walks, and I only did that once. But clearly my immune system still needs me to rest so it can boot this virus out once and for all.
The message I needed to hear from my sermon is surrender. And what I mean by that is recognizing my utter dependence on God. Surrendering my will to God's will. God is God, and I am not. I am powerless over other people. I am powerless over this virus. Each time I try to assert my control, the virus smacks me back down. God isn't smacking me down - each time I pray, I hear God encouraging me to rest, telling me it's okay to surrender and let God be in charge. God knows what I need. But it sure is hard for me to let go.
Surrender is a term I'd never really thought about until I got into recovery from codependence. At the time someone recommended I try an Al Anon meeting. When I went to the Al Anon webpage, I got mad. There were other people in my life who needed to work a 12-step program, not me! I didn't have a problem. I couldn't believe that I needed to go to some meeting or work some program. After all, I was already doing all of the work. I was saving the day. I was exhausted from everything I was doing. Why did I have to add something else to my schedule? And why on earth would I be part of a program that insisted I acknowledge my powerlessness - I needed a program to empower me!
The truth was that I needed recovery. When I try to rescue other people or save the day so that others don't experience their consequences, when I hide how I truly feel in order to please other people, when I try to control everything so that nothing falls apart, I'm doing things that don't help but rather hinder growth and health. When I try to force the solutions to fit the outcomes I want, then I don't leave space for God. When I'm able to recognize my powerlessness, then I open up space for God to work. God will meet me where I am and redeem whatever is going on, if only I will stop fighting for control.
I can be pretty hardheaded when it comes to surrender - I can do it all on my own, I think. This virus is teaching me that I can't. And apparently it will keep teaching me until I learn. Thankfully I do believe that God can do infinitely more than I can ask for or imagine, and I trust that will be the case now too. God is meeting me where I am in my illness and doing for me what I cannot do for myself. God will bring me out of this time into new life.
Hopefully I'm not the only one learning this lesson in coronatide. It's a lesson the whole world needs to hear if we're going to survive and thrive. God is the one who brings light out of the darkness and breathes new life into the whole creation. Will we surrender and let God?
Sermon at 46:27. Sermon text is here.
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