Five Weeks In: The Tricksy Virus

On March 12, I started having symptoms of the novel coronavirus.  On April 8, I posted on Facebook that I was finally feeling like myself, and I was.  But this virus is tricksy, as Gollum would say.  The image above is from Gandalf's fight with the Balrog in the first Lord of the Rings movie.  Towards the end of the battle, Gandalf drives his staff into the ground and declares "You shall not pass!" The stone bridge on which the Balrog approaches cracks and sends the gargantuan monster falling to the depths of the Mines of Moria.  As Gandalf starts to rejoin his companions, the Balrog's fiery whip snaps up and wraps around Gandalf, pulling him down, too.  Just when you think Gandalf has won, he slips over the edge.

That is the image that keeps coming to mind with this virus.  For a couple of weeks in the middle, I actually thought I was in the final stages of recovery. Perhaps I didn't quite have normal energy levels, but they were high enough.  Two steps forward, one step back - work and rest.  All through Holy Week, I had the stamina to work during the day for Bruton and SpiritWorks and then do services in the evening.  Until Easter.  Once again it was like the Balrog whip wrapped itself around me and yanked me down.  During Easter week I had more tightness of chest and shallow breathing than I did when I was much sicker.  And the fatigue. Taking a shower in the morning and coming downstairs is enough to put me back on the couch for a time until I can regain strength to get breakfast.

From what I've read, the tricksy return of symptoms is normal for some people. Fortunately I haven't had the version where two weeks in you take a sharp downward turn and land in the hospital.  But I'm now entering the 6th week of this virus, and I'm weary of it.

On Saturday, my bishop directed me to stop working until I've fully recovered.  Since I'm a classic workaholic and codependent, I am grateful for her wisdom.  On Monday, I called the doctor's office and explained how long I'd had symptoms.  The doctor said, "It's time for you to know for sure what this is."  So I trundled off to Urgent Care to be tested.  The test is a battle in and of itself, but that is a story for another post.  Suffice it to say it's not fun.  I nearly passed out.  Yesterday I got the results - positive for COVID-19.  The monster still has a grip on me, though not the death grip that many have experienced.

The health department is confused by my case because the symptoms have lasted much longer than those of most people.  But they also know that it is tricksy, and so they have encouraged rest and fluids and a new seven day quarantine.  No argument here. My cough and shortness of breath have pretty much disappeared, but the fatigue remains.

Spoiler alert:  we do learn in the 2nd Lord of the Rings movie that Gandalf and the Balrog have quite the battle as they continue to fall through Moria, and eventually Gandalf kills the Balrog, though things go dark for a time while he is transformed into a new version of himself.  My fight with Covid-19 does not require superior magical powers or force or a wizard's staff.  Apparently my battle with the virus requires one thing - rest.

In his fight with the Balrog, Gandalf the Grey is transformed into Gandalf the White.  I can't help but wonder what transformation I'm undergoing as I wait for the virus to let go of me.  What transformation is the world undergoing?  What are we meant to learn from this virus?  Will we learn it?

I don't have any answers.  But I have surrendered at last. The virus can't be beat through force; I must completely rest for my body to heal.  How grateful I am that I have the means and support to do so.  Thank you for all the prayers and positive thoughts - truly they have sustained me.  I'll keep you posted on how the transformation is going.