Friday, March 12, 2021

A Year In - Change is hard: Covid-19 Update

Change is hard.  This year has been a prime example of it.

A year ago today - March 12.  I canceled the Women's Retreat I was supposed to lead that weekend, wondering if I was overreacting.  I had my last in-person pastoral appointment for months with a young man who wanted to know more about the Episcopal Church.  Before walking out of my office to meet him, I thoroughly washed my hands.  I was feeling "off" but couldn't identify what was wrong.  Several nights before, I'd awakened in the wee hours to a pain in my chest, deep behind my left breast, but I decided it was an overactive imagination - no way did I have the novel coronavirus.  Just in case, I told my rector I'd be leaving for the day after my 2:00 community outreach meeting.

In my 2:00 meeting, I kept my hands to myself, not picking up a cookie or touching the table or hugging anyone.  We were there to present our tutoring ministry to other churches, and I wanted to support our folks making the presentation, but I could feel my energy starting to fade.  As I walked to my car afterwards, I checked my email and learned that our Bishop had just announced we would be closing our churches.  

The next day I had a burial at the local cemetery.  Only a handful of people were there. By then I felt like I had a cold.  When I arrived I stood way back from the other folks, declined to shake hands or hug anyone, officiated the burial service, and instead of heading for my scheduled day at SpiritWorks, I drove home and laid down.  Feeling feverish with chills and body aches, I wondered if I had this thing after all.  Or, more likely, the flu.  That night the body aches grew worse, and it all went downhill after that.

Thus began my journey with Covid-19 a year ago.  The details of the acute phase are in other posts on this blog.  

This past Monday, I had a Telehealth visit with my pulmonologist.  My heart and lungs are healthy.  I have an uncommon heart condition - LHAS, but nothing to worry about, and my lungs have a slightly restricted capacity, but my use of oxygen is good, so no concern there.  No worries about clots or asthma.  What a relief.  Thanks be to God!

The doctor looked at me through the computer screen and said, "Chronic fatigue.  And I don't really have anything to recommend to you."

Post-Covid Chronic Fatigue.  What I've been concerned about since June.  A year in and they can call it chronic.  The doctor said it was time to start pushing.  But I know from my Long Covid group that pushing is not good for this post-viral syndrome.  I understand that we have to learn pacing.  Which is hard.  Last week, once I'd recovered from the extreme fatigue brought on by my 2nd vaccine, I had 3-4 days where my energy was almost normal.  So, of course, because I felt up to it, I did a lot more.  It felt wonderful!  The tricky part is that the fatigue can hit 12-48 hours after the activity.  So it's very hard to regulate.  But I'm going to need to learn.

Today and yesterday I've also had some dizziness and my chest/back have felt tight again.  This afternoon I told my therapist, "I'm discouraged, I'm frustrated, and I'm fearful."  Discouraged that this is still going on and that it's so unpredictable, frustrated at how hard it is to figure out the variables, and fearful of what will happen as we start opening back up and I don't have the energy to do more than I'm doing.  It's so hard to accept that I can no longer do what I used to be able to do.  

I know I'm not alone.  I imagine that even those who aren't dealing with Long Covid are discouraged, frustrated, and fearful about one thing or another a year into this pandemic.  And yet, at the same time, there is hope.  I've had both my vaccinations, and the US is vaccinating 2 million people a day.  The weather is warming up and new case numbers are dropping.  

I find myself wondering how I want things to be on the other side of Covid.  The truth is, that I want my full energy back, AND I don't want to go back to the crazy schedule I had pre-Covid.  As much as I miss seeing people face to face and hugging loved ones, I don't miss driving and rushing around so much.  I want to learn a new way to be, and that, too, is going to require change.

Friends, what do you want things to look like post-Covid?  Are you hoping for a return to the way things were?  Or are you dreaming of a new way of being?  What might that look like?  I'd really like to hear.

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