Friday, March 15, 2013

Victim No More!

Every day I talk to people who are victims - of disease, abuse, racism, crime, sexism, classism, trauma, addiction, bullying and the list goes on and on.  These people tell stories of the horrible things they have experienced, and my heart breaks listening to them.  They need lots of understanding and compassion and love.  They deserve apologies, acceptance, and new beginnings.  Some of them will get these things.  Others will not.

What I'm thinking about this morning is how amazed I am when I meet people who have decided that they're not going to be victims any more.  These people may or may not receive what they deserve or get what they need.  But somewhere inside they must have made a decision that life would be better if they stopped being a victim.  It's those people I want to learn from. 

I have been a victim to some things in my life that were important to me though not as tragic as others.  I find it's seductive to remain in that place of "victimness," especially when it took me so long to admit that the things that happened to me were wrong and stopped burying them under my "Make lemonade" smile.  Sometimes the lemons are just rotten and the lemonade they make will be rotten, too.  At the same time, life as a victim sucks.  I don't want to invalidate the reality of my or anyone else's horrible experiences or deny my feelings as I have so often done.  But I also don't want to get stuck.  I get to choose how I respond to what happens in my life. 

My daily meditation from Melody Beattie's The Lauguage of Letting Go this morning was titled, "Removing the victim."  She writes: "The issue is not whether others see or care.  The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves...  It is our job to have compassion for ourselves.  When we do, we have taken the first steps to removing ourselves as victims."  Sometimes when I get stuck in my victim status, it's because I'm seeking understanding, compassion, and apologies from others.  Or I'm looking to be rescued or fixed.  This meditation gave me a new way of looking at things - instead of searching for comfort and care outside myself, what I really need to do is have compassion for myself.  Not a pity party, but true compassion and acceptance.  And then I can take steps toward making it different.

This Lent I've been working on forgiveness.  At the beginning of Lent I wrote down 40 names of people I need to forgive and folded them up and put them in a container.  Six days a week I pull out a name, read it, and pray for God to help me forgive that person.  Some come easily. Some do not.  On Sundays I work on forgiving myself.  This morning I read a quote on my friend Les Carpenter's FaceBook page.  A character named Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer said it, "To forgive is an act of compassion [...] It's not done because people deserve it. It is done because people need it."

We all need forgiveness.  We don't deserve it.  The same is true for those who have hurt us.  When we offer forgiveness to them and to ourselves, we take another step on the road to removing ourselves as victims.  Holding on to the hurt and the pain and the anger and the sadness just keeps me miserable.  Freedom comes when I can let go and offer it all up to God and begin new.  I can choose to do that each day.  With God's help.  And live my life not as a victim, but as a joyful child of God.  It's my choice.  And yours too.





2 comments:

  1. Thanks for a reminder from which many of us will benefit. I've noted a change in physical appearance -- though it's more a surge of energy -- when a person tells me that s/he no longer is going to dwell in that victim's place. Blessings to you, L!

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    1. Thanks, R! I've seen that, too. It's so freeing when we don't allow the past to keep defining our present and future. We're not ready till we're ready, but when we are, the energy that comes is amazing. Hugs!

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